you know what is worst kind of pain?
It’s a feeling when you’re unable to feel anything anymore for anyone. It’s a feeling that you’re simply breathing ( inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide).
It’s when you feel there’s no amount of love, cling, care left in your soul. In fact, you feel like you no longer own a soul. It’s when you no longer respect yourself, its when you don’t feel like differentiating between wrong and right, because you yourself are no longer capable of differentiating between both.
When the terms like trust, friendship, companionship no longer makes you feel good or related. When you no longer feel tears and grief of people around you, moreover, you’re unable to shed tears no matter how much painful your life gets.
when no amount of music soothes your soul, because in real you don’t own one such thing in your body. You no longer get excited or anxious over something or someone because you doesn’t feel connected to anything or anybody.
When words like forever, trust, feelings, emotions seems to fade from your dictionary and they no longer serve any meaning in your life.
When you wish to weep in front of your parents and close ones but tears tend to dry, they feel like fading away just like your real smile.
When life seems to be dark and dull and you have no other choice than saying it loud that, you’re doing great with life…
Ages after that, when you look into the mirror, you see those eyes which no longer serve a purpose, which no longer see any dream, which no longer keeps any aspirations in it. You see those dark eyes and miss those gaze which use to shine at its best and motivate you every morning.
You wish to get back to what you were, but you see no option for getting in back and you choose to wear back that mask and prepare yourself for the new battle, battle that lies within yourself, between your mind and soul.
And once again, just like yesterday, mind wins the game and soul stays their starving, craving and crawling for that one last breath, dying daily within those dark walls build through the mind.
And then you step out of your place and when someone asks how’s life, you spread your pink lips, show up your teeth a bit as a daily practice you have almost been expert in faking it and say, I’m doing great in life.
Deep somewhere, your soul screams up, no you’re not. Please don’t lie. I wish to live, I wish to come out of these dark walls, it’s suffocating here, I wish to come out and smile again, while your mind decides to lock it up and take a charge.
You get back to your routine there’s some pain inside, pain which can never be told or scribbled down in form of words, you stay their silently pretending again and life… Life goes on!
– Nehali Lalwani